Organization.

[In the kitchen]

Girl 1: Why are you doing digging through the bread box?
Girl 2: Looking for batteries!
Girl 3: Batteries in the bread box?!
Girl 2: That's where all of our batteries are. We keep the bread in the microwave!

-Party

Chalk one up to confusion.

[People are discussing the elections]

Lady: Well, I mean I just can't vote for him. His name is Osama. That is the same as that terrorist guy. Crazy, I know.

- Office

Yeah....

[Woman calls in to the Agriculture Extension Office to ask a question].

Woman: I have a problem.
Guy: What's that?
Woman: Last year I planted seedless watermelons in my garden. They were really good, but now this year, I don't have any seeds to plant. What do I do?!?!
Guy: Well, ma'am, you could go back to where you bought the first seeds and get more.
Woman: Oh. Well, damn.

- Phone (Extension Office)

Latenight.

Girl 1: He says he's anti-hunger. Honestly, who is PRO-hunger? Huh?
Girl 2: Yeah he's like "Oh, I'm anti-hunnnger." Oh, yeah...you're a good man, Charlie Brown.

-Latenight

Who knows.

Guy: I just don't know why you'd want to paint a self portrait of me.

-Late

That can be arranged for you.

"I know it's weird and stuff, but I'm just going to throw this out there. I think people with black eyes are...just...like...so cool. Like...battle scarred or something."

-Basement

Interesting...

Girl: Yeah, I have a Spitz puppy. My mom bought it from a dog shelter run by Eskimos in Florida. They sent it UPS.

-Precal

How unfortunate.

Girl: My feet just get uglier and uglier every year.

-Party

Sandwich Friend!

Sandwich Friend: Well, I was going to go live in the woods. Like be a hermit and be kinda crazy. I had my tent and my backpack and all that and I was going out the door and then my parents were just like "Whoa! You're going to boot camp!" So I did that instead.

-Cafeteria

Some party.

Girl 1: How did you cut your finger?
Girl 2: Well, I was at my friend's birthday party and she decided she wanted to cut up some Barbies.

-Chamber Group

Happy Mother's Day!

Man: It's Mothers Day today. So tell your Mom all about your thoughts and hopes and dreams and all that crap.

-Sunday Morning

Like marriage or something.

Guy: So I'm trying to choose my roommate for college...and there's this one guy I might request, but...but I don't know. I mean...this is way more serious than asking someone out. I have to be with them for a YEAR! This is like...marriage or something. So be serious.

Broke.

Girl: One time, I dared this little kid to eat a woolly worm on the school bus. He did it for a quarter. Greenish-yellow blood squirted all over the inside of his mouth-- it was sick. I didn't give him my quarter, though... ha!

- H. Chem I

I am what I am!!

Girl: I don't go to the tanning bed or anything. I always think, "If God wanted me to be that tan, he would have made me a Puerto Rican."
Guy: That's racist!
Girl: No it isn't! If God had wanted me to be prejudice, I would have been born a Nazi!!

-H. Chem I

Take that.

Man: I believe that kids on the internet will be the downfall of Western civilization...
Girl: Well... I believe the ballpoint pen is the downfall of Western civilization!!

- Sunday dinner

The Unfortunate Tale of Furd

Guy: So there was this bird that kept coming to our dorm window so we named it Furd cuz it was a freaky bird. But then...you know how puppies are so cute that you want to squeeze them?
Girl: ...Yeah.
Guy: Well, we decided to catch Furd so we could treat him like a puppy.
Girl: How did you do that?
Guy: Um...mouse trap.

-Dessert