Enthusiasm!

"Well...I hate fun. So I am in no way obliged to play that game."

-Dinner

A Most Evil Plot

"Okay, so everyone always says that at the center of the Earth there's a core. No, there's not. What's actually there is this one HUGE spider called the Mother Spider. And that's where all the spiders in the world come from. And this Mother Spider sends out her smallest children...her Scouts...to try to find me so that the bigger spiders can come and eat me. So whenever you see a spider around me, you have to kill it. Cuz if I kill it, the spiders will smell my scent on the crime scene and they'll know that I did it and they'll hate me even more. And if you don't kill the little Scout spiders that come for me, the bigger ones will come and eat us ALL! This is true...really. I couldn't make this up. No...I WOULDN'T make this up."

-Walking to Breakfast

A Most Horrible Death

Girl 1: My neighbor - she's really old - she once dried her cat in the clothes dryer!
Girl 2: Did it kill it?
Girl 1: Yes, it killed it! How could it not?
Girl 2: I don't know, maybe if it was on "Tumble Dry Low" or something... it might've lived.
Girl 1: No... and she said she had cat hair all over her clothes forever.

-The walk to lunch

How fortunate.

Woman: Last time we went on a school trip you went chasing after a homeless man!
Man: And I caught him too!

-Contributed by Rachel

Call it illegal, if you must...

[During a sermon]
Preacher: I used to pick up hitchhikers and try to save them. Sometimes I would even try to keep them in my car until they accepted Christ. But that's called... um... illegal...

-Contributed by Rachel

Wise Choice

"Someone asked me if I'd rather take a three-year shower or get hit in the head with a crowbar three times randomly throughout my life. Needless to say, I picked the crowbar."

-Dinner

Family Night

Mother: On Friday night we're having a mandatory family dinner.
Daughter: Who's Amanda...?

-Contributed by Nathan

Happiness is...

Girl: I have NO money. Seriously, I have like one dollar.
Guy: Wow...my pants have more money than you.
Girl: But are they happier?!
Guy: Uh...probably. They sure do get to spend a lot of time with me...

-Kitchen

Yes - Exhibit A.

[Guy is wearing a pinstriped shirt with pinstriped shorts. He approaches Girl, and motions to his outfit.]
Guy: Am I wearing too many pinstripes? Or shall we first address the more pressing question...Is there such a thing as wearing too many pinstripes?

-Upstairs

Hypocrisy most foul.

[Guy is rummaging in the fridge and talking to Girl on the phone.]
Guy: Oh! Juice! I love juice!
Girl: Cool.
Guy: Wait...it's empty. What kind of loser would put an empty juice carton back in the fridge?!
[A noise is heard.]
Girl: You just put it back in the fridge, didn't you?
Guy: Um...yeah.

- Kitchen