Family Togetherness

Brother 1: I dropped somebody's present coming inside. I hope it isn't broken.
Brother 2: Well, you know it wasn't mine, because you didn't get me anything. I hate you.
Brother 1: 'Tis the season.
Brother 2: I wanna learn to play billiards, somebody loan me a pool table.

-Christmas Eve Dinner

....no more Christmas!!!

Girl: Yeah, we went into [Guy]'s room on Christmas morning. His boxers were on the floor and had something gross all over them. When we finally got the courage to ask what it was, we found out that he had gone to bed with a no bake cookie.

- After Christmas Party

You've got me...

Guy: Hey... What's that game where you stand in the cake...?

-Heard after Church by Rachel

"I thought it looked rather butch."

Girl: I'm getting a male Pit Bull, but I want to name it Fifi...
Guy: It's a Pit Bull, though! Even if it is a girl, you've got to name it something like 'Butch!!'

-Lunch

Gordon Ramsay just THOUGHT he had Kitchen Nightmares....

Girl 1: I am hungry, I wish I could have a snack.
Girl 2: Once, I was so hungry, I ate a stick of butter.
Girl 1: Oh, well, if you like that, you should try ChapStik. It is goooood.

- Algebra [not honors]

Really cute.

Girl: My pet turtle that I ordered from the internet came in yesterday and he's so great. I really love him.
Teacher: I hate to break this to you, honey, but turtles are carriers of salmonella.
Girl: Oh, but he's so cute. I named him Franklin.
Teacher: Yeah, but I bet you'll really think he's cute when you're lying in a hospital gasping out your last...

-AP Animal Science

I could have told you THAT....

"You can't date him, he has community college written all over himself!"

-College (Submitted by a Reader)

Okay then.

"He wasn't a flaming homosexual. His face was just on fire. Come ON."

-B Hall

...Like the Yeti or something.

Teacher: [Guy], I can't believe you lived in Alaska and you never even saw an Eskimo.
Girl: [rolls eyes] Of course he didn't...they don't EXIST.

-Psychology

Cheery-o...

"I'm having a life crisis and all you want to talk about is CHEERIOS?!"

-AP US History

Sounds lovely.

[3 Girls are talking about scarves.]
Girl 1: Oh, I like that one scarf you have, Girl 2.
Girl 3: Yeah...that one that looks like raw hamburger meat!
Girl 2: Wait...what?
Girl 3: I mean...um...yeah, it's very pretty.