Drama!

Girl 1: It's less fun than a nursing home in here.
Girl 2: Hey...nursing homes can be fun...
Girl 3: Yeah...especially when you meet some crazy old woman who thinks you're her son and she throws apple juice all over you...

-Dorm Lobby

See the parallels?

(On the way to a Buddhist Zen Center)
Girl 1: So what do you expect here?
Guy: I'm expecting to see a bunch of bald guys in orange.
Girl 2: Um...We're not going to prison...

-On the Van

Oooo...Math Fight.

[A table is discussing angles in radians and degrees. They have a dispute.]
Guy: I still hold dear to my heart that 2 pi is 360 degrees, NOT 0 degrees.
Girl: I think that 2 pi is yummy. By 2 pi, I'm half full.

-Dining Hall

...or that.

Driver: I figured I would pick you up around quarter til nine. I think that that should give us plenty of time.
Girl: Oh, really? We left a LOT earlier than that last year.
Driver: O, gosh. Maybe we should leave earlier. When did you leave last year?
Girl: We left at 8:45.

- Church

The Real Story

"Yeah, I know a guy who died from having acid reflux. Well, really he choked. Like...on a piece of ham. But we all know that what really happened was that he OD'd."

-Dorm

How smelly.

"Was she the one who got a refridgerator that turned out to be a closet...and then she just pretended it was a fridge and put stuff in it anyway?"

- Dorm

What a party...

Guy: We were playing hide and seek and I was hiding in this closet for like two hours before I realized that everyone had abandoned me to go play dress-up.

-Dining Hall

Enthusiasm!

"Well...I hate fun. So I am in no way obliged to play that game."

-Dinner

A Most Evil Plot

"Okay, so everyone always says that at the center of the Earth there's a core. No, there's not. What's actually there is this one HUGE spider called the Mother Spider. And that's where all the spiders in the world come from. And this Mother Spider sends out her smallest children...her Scouts...to try to find me so that the bigger spiders can come and eat me. So whenever you see a spider around me, you have to kill it. Cuz if I kill it, the spiders will smell my scent on the crime scene and they'll know that I did it and they'll hate me even more. And if you don't kill the little Scout spiders that come for me, the bigger ones will come and eat us ALL! This is true...really. I couldn't make this up. No...I WOULDN'T make this up."

-Walking to Breakfast

A Most Horrible Death

Girl 1: My neighbor - she's really old - she once dried her cat in the clothes dryer!
Girl 2: Did it kill it?
Girl 1: Yes, it killed it! How could it not?
Girl 2: I don't know, maybe if it was on "Tumble Dry Low" or something... it might've lived.
Girl 1: No... and she said she had cat hair all over her clothes forever.

-The walk to lunch

How fortunate.

Woman: Last time we went on a school trip you went chasing after a homeless man!
Man: And I caught him too!

-Contributed by Rachel

Call it illegal, if you must...

[During a sermon]
Preacher: I used to pick up hitchhikers and try to save them. Sometimes I would even try to keep them in my car until they accepted Christ. But that's called... um... illegal...

-Contributed by Rachel

Wise Choice

"Someone asked me if I'd rather take a three-year shower or get hit in the head with a crowbar three times randomly throughout my life. Needless to say, I picked the crowbar."

-Dinner

Family Night

Mother: On Friday night we're having a mandatory family dinner.
Daughter: Who's Amanda...?

-Contributed by Nathan

Happiness is...

Girl: I have NO money. Seriously, I have like one dollar.
Guy: Wow...my pants have more money than you.
Girl: But are they happier?!
Guy: Uh...probably. They sure do get to spend a lot of time with me...

-Kitchen

Yes - Exhibit A.

[Guy is wearing a pinstriped shirt with pinstriped shorts. He approaches Girl, and motions to his outfit.]
Guy: Am I wearing too many pinstripes? Or shall we first address the more pressing question...Is there such a thing as wearing too many pinstripes?

-Upstairs

Hypocrisy most foul.

[Guy is rummaging in the fridge and talking to Girl on the phone.]
Guy: Oh! Juice! I love juice!
Girl: Cool.
Guy: Wait...it's empty. What kind of loser would put an empty juice carton back in the fridge?!
[A noise is heard.]
Girl: You just put it back in the fridge, didn't you?
Guy: Um...yeah.

- Kitchen

Organization.

[In the kitchen]

Girl 1: Why are you doing digging through the bread box?
Girl 2: Looking for batteries!
Girl 3: Batteries in the bread box?!
Girl 2: That's where all of our batteries are. We keep the bread in the microwave!

-Party

Chalk one up to confusion.

[People are discussing the elections]

Lady: Well, I mean I just can't vote for him. His name is Osama. That is the same as that terrorist guy. Crazy, I know.

- Office

Yeah....

[Woman calls in to the Agriculture Extension Office to ask a question].

Woman: I have a problem.
Guy: What's that?
Woman: Last year I planted seedless watermelons in my garden. They were really good, but now this year, I don't have any seeds to plant. What do I do?!?!
Guy: Well, ma'am, you could go back to where you bought the first seeds and get more.
Woman: Oh. Well, damn.

- Phone (Extension Office)