I can see you hobbling along with one pump.

[There are two girls in the dressing room, talking about what shoes to wear with an outfit one of them is about to purchase.]
Girl 1: Oh! You could wear those black heels you have!
Girl 2: [Thinks] No...Remember, I was wearing them in New York and them we got in that cab and I left one of them in there?
Girl 1: Oh, yeah...maybe not then...
- Kohl's

Angelic Prisoners

I didn't technically hear this one, but I heard it from a friend. He works in a prison as a guard. This is what went down.

Felon:You know your problem? You just think you are better than us.
Guard: Yeah, at this point I am.

Just thought that was funny....

...but Kennedy was Canadian.

[A man is paying for his meal at the local McDonald's, he hands the cashier his money, which includes a fifty-cent piece. The cashier begins to sort the money into her drawer.]

Cashier (holding half-dollar coin): Hey... what is this, sir?
Man: It's a half-dollar.
Cashier: But how much is it worth?
Man: 50 cents, honey.
Cashier: Are you sure it's American?
Man: Yeah, it's got JFK on it, they used to make them.
Cashier: Oh, you mean, like a special coin for a year or something.
Man: No, honey, like always.
[Cashier proceeds to put the coin in her drawer.]
Cashier: You're sure it's American?

Little people, long lives?!

[A large portion of our extended family is sitting in our den. We were having a discussion about how long we might live and my brother got on the Death Calculator, an online test that's supposed to tell you how long you'll live based on your habits.]
Brother: [to cousin taking test] How tall are you?
Cousin: 5'8".
Dad: Oooh...the taller you are, the less time you'll live.
Cousin: Whoa...so do midgets live for like, forever?
- Our Den

Is that an insult?

Guy to wife: UGH. He acts just like an onion.
- Soda Aisle, Walmart

Yes, we sell stuff for that.

[I am buying a drink at the gas station. Another woman, who has just filled up her car, comes to the register.]
Cashier: Do you have gas?
Customer: WHAT?! [realizes she means gasoline, embarrassed]...I mean, yeah.
- Dairy Mart

Lazy Greeks...or, Romans?

In our English class, our final was a presentation on a subject of our own choosing. People picked subjects they liked. For example, I picked coffee. Others picked video games and horses. One person, who we shall call Janet, chose to do her project on photography. The overall project was okay, the presentation did not seem very well prepared, and the research was minimal. This is what went down.

Teacher: So, who invented photography?
Janet: I don't remember. I think it was the Greeks. They had the technology to do it, but they were just lazy.
Teacher: The Greeks?
Janet: No, no, you're right, it was the Romans.

{At this point, after having bit my tongue long enough, I kind of lost it.}

Me: So, the Romans: the civilization that produced some of the finest architecture in the world. The Pantheon, St. Peter's Basilica, and the Colosseum. You're right, they were lazy.

Janet: Yeah, I know.

I think the girl still thinks that the Romans were lazy, and apparently, they invented photography.

My emergency lies in my...brain.

While driving to church on Sunday morning, we came upon a car in the ditch of the windy country road. We called 911 and though it had already been taken care of, it reminded me of all the other times I've ever called in an emergency. This is probably our oldest Eavesdrop, taking place when I was about seven.

-

[We are at a T-ball game and one of the kids has been hurt. It was before the days of the cell phone, so my dad and I ran to the nearest house to call 911. A high school girl came to the door.]

Girl: Yes?

Dad: Someone's been hurt...could you call 911?

Girl: Um, yeah. [Rushes to phone and then pauses] What's the number?

- A park in Indiana, my childhood home

An orchestra-ism.

Running jokes in our chamber group often include those about kittens. Awful, but true. Anyway, we were playing a peice with a lot of trills and one of them was really high. The second violinist played one by herself...it was a bit squeaky.
Conductor: Well that sounded like a cat in a blender.
Violist: Yeah, but they don't make that song for very long.
- Dress Rehearsal

Right! I almost hit you...

[The other two editors of this blog and I are at my orchestra concert. They hadn't met some of my friends from there. The said friends walk into the room.]
Editor 1: Have we met them? I know I've met her [friend 1] but not her [friend 2].
Friend 1: No, no...you met her, too. Remember? You said she looked like a deer in the headlights!
Friend 2: [Looks shocked...namely like a...a deer in the headlights.]
- The Opera House

I think this class needs some Bubble Yum.

[The guy who has been sleeping on the floor of our Honors Algebra II class has just regained conciousness. The first thing out of his mouth was this.]
Star Student: [sticks head under nearest desk and curses loudly] There's no gum under here! Does anyone have any gum?!
- Fourth Block

[I would like to take this opporunity to relevantly mention that I am finished with Honors Algebra II. Forever.]

Cue Nirvana.

Yet another from our friends in Spanish class...

Guy: Guess what.
Girl: What?
Guy: I'm goin' to military school 'cause I'm failing World Civ 'cause I got a 55 on my paper 'cause I didn't even write it 'cause I don't care.
Girl: That sucks, dude.

I think it's "Friends, ROMANS, Countrymen..."

[We are discussing Julius Cæsar - I beleive I've quoted happenings from such discussions before. The teacher is talking about a part of the play where Cæsar says he loves Brutus dearly - as a friend - and some still find this funny.]
Guy: What? Was Cæsar, like, gay or something?
Girl: Duh. Lots of Greeks were gay.
- Honors English II

Study hard.

[Keeping with the theme... a quote from my Honors Algebra II class. As finals are drawing closer, today we were calculating what we had to make on the Algebra final to pass, pass with an 'A', etc. ... Random people are discussing this.]
Girl: I have to make a 90 to get an A.
Guy: I only have to make a 70.
Girl: I have to make a 83.
Guy: I have to make a 143!!!

These kinds keep us going.

[We are getting our grades in Honors Algebra II, which is quite a difficult class. I beleive I've mentioned the subject of this post before.]
Guy: Whoa! My grade went up!!!
Girl: But...you have an 18...
Guy: [excited] I KNOW!!!
-Honors Algebra II

And you're a genius...except when you say stuff like this.

[Girl 2 has been eating a ham sandwich. She finishes except for one bite and is getting up to throw her trash away.]
Girl 1: You might as well finish killing that animal, you know.
Guy: What? Are you like a vegetarian now or something? [She was eating chicken Friday]
Girl 1: Well yeah...except for when I eat meat and stuff.
- Cafeteria

...it's all Greek to me.

[Our Honors English II class is discussing Julius Caesar.]

Teacher: The Romans had a huge empire... just think, who were the people who put Christ to death?
Class: The Romans...
Teacher: Who was the one man, specifically, who sentenced Him to His death?
Guy: Plato!

You Should Be Deported

[This is the same government class as in the "Way to Be Pansies" post. We are reviewing for a test that we'll take later in the block over Civil Rights and Immigration.]
Teacher: Okay, from what country do most of America's immigrants come?
Kid in back: OH! ARIZONA!!!
- Government

Point taken.

[Time: It is 2:57 this (Friday) afternoon. Everyone is just sitting, waiting, for the bell to ring to release school.

Place: The ag department (ah, the glory).]

Girl (to guy beside her): GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME, I AM NOT YOUR SUGAR-BRITCHES!!!

ffffaaa what?

Heard this on the way out of school:

{Two girls walking along, one to the other}

First: {reading a poster on the wall} They are having a ffafestival. What is a ffafestival?

Other: I think you mean FFA.

First: Now THAT makes more sense.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahhh, the things Hooked On Phonics messed up....

And Columbus sailed the ocean blue in...1776?

[Our teacher has been discussing poetry. Someone asked why there were more great Entlish poets than American ones.]
Teacher: Well, England's been around for forever. America's only been a country since 1492.
- Honors English II

You can find it on the bottom of any desk near you.

Guy: I love that one kind of gum. You know...the kind that tastes like it's been chewed before?
- Honors Algebra II

Some Fabulous Advice

Guy: So we're having an exam tomorrow.
Girl: Listen to Mozart, and you'll be alright. It makes you smarter, you know. I have a CD you can borrow if you want.
Guy: I'm alright.
Girl: No, REALLY.
-Panera

You, sir, are correct.

[Spanish, second block]

Sandwich friend: I know what "hace mucho frío" means. It means it's freakin' cold!!

Hmm...

Elderly substitute teacher to guy with really long hair: Are you sure you're a boy?

No comment.

Peanut Butter: A Complex Concept

[Again, we're in Spanish, second block. "Sandwich friend" is our sanwich-eater from a post on November 21. He is also featured in the below post, as the orange juice drinker.]

Sandwich friend: Do you know what I like?
Girl: What?
Sandwich friend: Peanut butter...
Girl: Oh.
Sandwich friend: Do you realize how complicated it is to make?
Girl: You just put a bunch of peanuts in a blender and you have peanut butter, right?
Sandwich friend: No, they have to add a bunch of other crap to it...
Girl (astonished): Wow...

Orange juice isn't so healthy anymore.

[Lunch has just let out and everyone is walking back to class. There is a bottle of orange juice sitting on the water fountain. "Guy" sees it.]
Guy: Orange juice! [He picks it up and opens it.] This is like my lucky day! [He pauses before taking a drink and turns to his friend.] You don’t think somebody like peed in it or anything, do you?
Friend: No, man. It’s not full enough.
Guy: Cool. [He drinks it.]
- Front Hall

This Can't Be Good

[Note that Friend's parents and Cousin's parents are very very strict. This is NOT the same "friend" as all the rest of the "friends" on here. In general, pseudonyms only go with individual posts.]
-
Friend: So [my Cousin] told her mom that she was going to a friend's house, but she really went to a college party. So she got like really drunk and doesn't really remember quite what happened. But she woke up in some strange college guy's bed so she's assuming that she might have---Oh! Hi, Mom!
-On the Phone

Infidelity

Me: So is your boyfriend going to be here?
Friend: Um....which one?
- Orchestra Concert

Sounds Delicious.

Me: I'm so mad I'm like going to go home and kick a kitten!
Friend: Well, I'm so mad I'm going to go home and puree a puppy!
- Academic Team