...right.

Girl: ...and I looked at my window, and I saw the tornado coming! I ran up onto the roof and screamed at the top of my lungs, "There's a tornado coming!!" Then, I ran down to my basement, and I looked out the basement window, and a beam of lightning came through and struck me in the head! It was amazing!

-Government

ME! It was me!

Loudspeaker: Yes, If anyone has lost their Siamese kitten in the parking lot, please come to customer service.
- Walmart

Oh, it's love.

[Our beloved Sandwich Friend is sitting in the middle of class eating peanut butter out of the jar with his fingers.]

Sandwich Friend: Peanut butter is the greatest thing ever...

-Government

I can take a hint.

[...a bubbly girl to a "loner" girl...]

Bubbler: What's your name?!
Loner: [Julia].
Bubbler: That's pretty. Why don't you talk to people?
Loner: I'm anti-social.
Bubbler: Anti-social? Why?
Loner: ...because I don't like people.
Bubbler: You don't like people?
Loner: Yeah, I don't like it when they talk to me.
Bubbler: Do you wish I would stop talking to you?
Loner: Kind of.

-Government

2%? Like arsenic.

[I am in the store... a woman and a little girl, about 2 or 3 years old, walk past the shelves full of bread. The little girl picks up a loaf of Butternut bread.]

Little Girl: Mommy, can we please get this kind of bread?
Woman: No, [honey], white bread's bad for you.
Little Girl: ... but I really like this kind of bread. I ate some at Nana's.
Woman: It's bad for you though...
Little Girl: Please?
Woman: No, I told you, white bread does bad things to you.

Every stereotype possible - right here.

Mexican Girl [Not to be politically incorrect of anything, but it's important to the storyline]: Oh, man! I was eating lunch today and I saw the Virgin Mary in my tortilla and I was like WHOA!! So I tried to sell it for five dollars. No one bought it.
- Outside the School

My kingdom! My kingdom for a....raisin...

[We are taking tests for an Academic Team competition. They are very difficult. Teacher tries to persuade Student to finish his essay question.]
Teacher: C'mon. I know you can at least finish this one. Go do it.
Student: [Thinks for a moment] Give me a raisin, and I'll consider it.
- "5th Block"

High Hopes...

[We are talking about how DaVinci considered burning his parents in their house while they slept. Teacher says that he doubts anyone would really want to do that to their parents. Guy speaks up.]
Guy: WhatEVER...One time I was working with my dad on his car and he was working on the engine and I seriously considered how much better my life could be if I just slammed the hood down.
Teacher: Umm...okay...On second thought, maybe you'll be a genius like DaVinci some day.
Guy: I kind of doubt it.
- World Civilizations

Does he ever...

Guy 1: Dude, I have something to tell you.
Guy 2: What? Did you shoot yourself again?
Guy 1: No...that was just the once.
Guy 2: Liar. I know that look. You shot yourself again. You need counselling.
- Hallway

Food = Love

[A woman is talking on the telephone...]

Woman: "That's awful...yeah...Back then, they probably thought it was cute that he could eat a whole chicken at once, they never dreamed what it would do to his health... 600 pounds, oh law!!"

My head and shoulders...are cold.

Girl: It's SNOWING!!!
Guy: Whatever. That's like...dandruff.
- Spanish II

Who's absent now?

[Teacher is taking roll. She gets to the name of Guy Who Skips School A Lot]
Teacher: [doesn't look up] Of course he's not here. Why come to school if you already think you know everything? What an i---
Guy Who Skips School A Lot: Ummm...I'm right here.
-Spanish II

Is that an insult?

[...a wrestling fan to our dearest 'Sandwich Friend'...]

Wrestling Girl: You're wearing purple pants!!
Sandwich Friend:Yeah, I'm wearing purple pants, you got a problem with it? Maybe I have a problem with you. You're shirt has a very muscular man on it, that's gross.
Wrestling Girl: Yeah, but he's hot.

-Government

For more information on 'Sandwich Friend', see a few of our former posts.

...worthy of some sort of award.

Guy 1: ...but I'm a good citizen.
Guy 2: Dude, a good citizen is someone who, like, runs into a burning building and saves a baby. That's not you. You'd throw water on the baby and run.

-World Civilization

It's a complex.

[I am sitting with Guy. No one has said anything for a while.]
Guy: I used to eat butter out of the tub.
- Someone Else's Kitchen

There Aren't Academic Scholarships in the NFL....

I have been watching a little football this weekend, and I have heard 2 worthy posts. So, here's the kickoff....

Newscaster: {Talking to a tailgater} So what are you cooking?
Tailgater 1: Weiners, and filet mignon.
Newscaster: {To other tailgater, who is opening a beer} So, are you his sous chef?
Tailgater 2: {Looking Offended} No! I'm just helping him cook.

My Halftime Comment: Hmmmmmm.......

Now, we will kickoff the second half....

Sportscaster 1: Now, he is wearing 5/8 inch cleats.
Sportscaster 2: Yeah that will give him a little more grip today.
Sportscaster 1: I wish I knew which was longer, 3/8, 1/2, 5/8....I was never in the NFL....I don't know what it is....

Hmmmmmm....Digression

Girl:{Says what she thinks the answer to be, to her partner, and seems quite proud of herself.}
Partner: No, that isn't right.
Girl: YES!
Partner: NO!
Girl: Heifer!!! {walks away....}

Graceful, too, it sounds.

Girl 1: He's a really interesting person to talk to, I hear.
Girl 2: Yeah, especially when he's high.
Girl 1: Really?!
Girl 2: Yeah, I was talkin' to him and I was like, "What are you doing?" and he was like, "Playin' with the dog." I was like, "Don't touch that nasty dog." Then he fell off the trampoline.
Girl 2: Yeah, he's crazy.

-Government

Side effects include brilliance...

I've had this one written down for months but have yet to post it.

-

Guy (to teacher): My head is really hurting. Could I go to the nurse and get a Tylenol?
Teacher: Sure, just let me call the office to make sure she's there.
Guy: Okay.
[Teacher makes call.]
Teacher: They say the nurse isn't there... so they can't give you Tylenol. They can give you Tums, though. Do you still want to go?
Guy: Sure.
[Guy leaves classroom, is gone about fifteen minutes, and returns. He takes his seat.]
Guy (to friend beside him): Hey... Hey! Hey, [name]! What do Tums do to you?
Friend: What? Oh, I don't know. Why?
Guy: I just had three.

Her next question was "Do you speak Mexican?"

[I am washing my hands in the bathroom before lunch. Two redneck girls are talking through stall walls.]
Girl 1: So I went to Taco Bell with [someone] last night.
Girl 2: Was it good?
Girl 1: Yeah. But there was like this red chunky stuff on my taco and it was all...spicy.
Girl 2: Was it...salsa?
Girl 1: Call it what you want, I don't feel so good.
- Girls' Bathroom

I agree with him.

Guy 1: I'm 16 and I'm a freshman. What does that make you think about me?
Guy 2: It makes me think you're really dumb.
- C Hall

Kitchen Rule #26: No brawls.

[We are sitting in an Arby's, eating, when we begin to hear screaming from the kitchen...]

Guy: But I'm not saying anything!!
Girl: Yeah, you won't be with my shoe in your mouth!!!
Guy: UGH!!!

---

I'd like to add my own bit to the note and disclaimer below. By not using personal names, I feel that we're not making fun of nor regarding ourselves superior to anyone. That is not the goal of our posts, they are purely for everyone's entertainment.

Your singing? Not so beautiful... it's true.

[Again, in Government, we're supposed to be reading certain pages from the book.]

Girl 1 (singing): You're beautiful... You're beautiful...
Girl 2: Nice James Blunt impression.
Girl 1: James Blunt is my hero.
Girl 2 (sarcastically): Really?
Girl 1: Yeah, I may do just like he did in his video and jump off a bridge.
Girl 2: Don't tease me.
Girl 1: Okay...[Begins singing again.] You're beautiful, it's true...

Raise your hand if you're dejected...

[We're in government, the teacher is giving somewhat of a pep-talk...]

Teacher: Think of five people in your life who have made you feel loved, appreciated, or special...
[Four or five seconds of silence]
Stoner kid: I got nothin'...

A Reasonable Fear

[We are sitting at lunch. Two of the three Eavesdroppers contributors are present. The other members of the table are all loyal readers...A certain "Dan Cafe" is being very very quiet.]

Me: So...is it always this quiet at this table or is it because I've joined you?

Friend: No, [Dan Cafe] just doesn't want to say anything because he knows he'll say something stupid and it will be on Eavesdroppers by the end of the night.

Me: Good call, [Dan Cafe].

- Cafeteria

...

Just a note: As we gather more and more readers I would like to emphasize the disclaimer at the very bottom of our webpage. It basically says that we are directly quoting things we hear, for our entertainment and yours. We don't use names because we're protecting the...innocent, I guess...but if you ever want to claim credit for your idiocy [no, I didn't just make that word up], feel free. Problems with this can be directed to the site email, here.

I feel that way sometimes, too.

I was actually cleaning out a binder from last semester and found this post, long forgotten.

[We were in Honors English, discussing the Holocaust. Our teacher was getting very angry while telling stories about Hitler, Mengele, etc...]
Teacher: [shouting] IT JUST MAKES YOU WANT TO HIT THEM OVER THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT, THEY'RE SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!
- First Block Honors English II

I'm Not Cheating, Just Looking up the Answers for This Test!!

{Overheard in Algebra II, where I am a math mentor.}

--

Guy: I am mad! [Teacher] turned me in for cheating, and I wasn't!!
Girl: Why did she think you were cheating?
Guy: Because, when I put my binder on the bench, a paper accidentally slipped out. I didn't even know it was out. She said that I was staring at it, and that it had answers on it. Then, she turned me in to [principal]. I told him that if I had been cheating, I would have done better than a 73%.

--

I'm not so sure he would have....

That concept works for most things.

[First day back to class. Ugh.]
Student: Where's your robot?
Teacher: It died.
Student: Robots can't die!!
Teacher: [evil grin] They can if you crush them...
- World Civilizations

Happy New Year from Eavesdroppers!

New Year's Day and football... it's somewhat of a tradition. The following takes place between my dad (who's a normally sized person) and my little sister while they are watching a football game.

Dad: Look, a white running-back! I didn't know there was such a thing. ... and their quarter-back's white too.
My sister: What does the quarter-back do?
Dad: He runs the show, pretty much...
My sister: Were you the quarter-back in high school, Dad??
Dad: No, I was always a defensive tackle or an offensive guard.
[...5 or 6 seconds of silence, except for the television...]
My sister: Hmm... Aren't they the big ole fat ones?
Dad (irritated yet amused by the question):Yes, they're the big fat ones.

-

My sister is reading the NFL scores from the newspaper, having my dad and I guess the winners of each game by comparing the mascots.

My sister: What about the Lions versus the Cowboys?
Dad: Um... I believe I'm pulling for the Lions.
My sister: What about the Panthers versus the Saints?
Dad: Now that just sounds like a really cruel pun...